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Why can’t our problems fit in a fairytale? Love isn’t about caring but battle too. When I come back to you after a fight it is as therapeutic as meditation. Hugging you make me feel calm as there is no stress relieving person I have ever seen in person. When I say you are calming than I feel it. So when I’ll write my fairytale I would mention our smallest fight that we won by coming back together. I write about the days you stressed me and then became my pain killer. I would write about the love that was never shown to me but I felt it differently. Sometimes when you held my hand crossing the road so that no bus could hit me and sometimes by the last bit of chocolate you gave me, even when your crave for it wasn’t fulfilled. I can see the love you hold for me inside your eyes. Popping whenever I laugh at your lameness. Do you know how beautiful you look when you dance? Like a leaf falling from the tree in the spring season. All I want to do is adore you and the way you are living. Yearning for your love I could see there is nothing more therapeutic than the love you gave me. But what’s more therapeutic is writing for me.

When I started writing I knew that I ain’t a good writer, but what I am is a very good storyteller and that helps. When I was a kid I used to make stories and tell them to my friend and felt good about it. Every moment I create in my head is so much pleasurable to my soul that all I breathe is my imagination. When I started writing I never thought it would be so much therapeutic to my soul. The essence of it makes me happy in a way nothing ever did. Taking me to places I never explored physically but in my fantasies. Every time is precious and what I understood when I started writing was your desires are the only things you should be yearning for. No love would stay eternal. This is not what should break you, the reality is sour I know but it’s true and we can’t do anything about it. So why won’t we accept it and cherish that it’s happening?   

Sometimes love isn’t a person, but art and it’s fine! I fell in love with words when I was 16. Everything I thought about I jotted it down in a diary. That diary everybody owns. Where you can write about all those darkness which you experienced in your life. Nobody would ever read them and know what you feel about things. Everything started with, dear diary and ended with tearful pages. Weeping while writing was mandatory. My teenage was always filled with sufferings. I cried and then I stood up again and felt like the world is against me. I was a stubborn kid who only knew what she wanted in life but things never go her way.

Dreams I wished for were my God. But today when I think about those dreams I laugh because I don’t know that did I wished for them or was it just my stubbornness. I don’t really know why was I so much crazy about everything. The only thing I would say is that nobody understood me when I wanted to be understood. Everybody has their own life and their own decisions and it’s okay if you let them make it but sometimes what your parents say is fine too. You are stubborn but they are experienced. By this, I do not mean that you are wrong and they are right. Who am I to judge?

I mean that life is unpredictable and sometimes the decision you made can be damaging or sometimes the decision made by your parents might be right too and vice versa. Nobody really knows what would they prefer after some years. When I was young I wanted to become a Doctor. I used to play all those doctors games and think that it’s reality. After some years I wanted to become “Miss Universe” without actually knowing what it meant. All I knew was that a pretty girl can get paid for their beauty. At that time I use to think that I am beautiful. But nobody ever told me that beauty it what comes from within. It’s all that’s inside. After a couple of years, I thought of becoming a writer and now I am doing LLB. Funny right? I never knew where life would take me and see here I am wearing a black coat, pant, looking all dressed up and professional but still doing what I like. Yes, I am still committed to my relationship with writing and I still am enlightening myself from inside out.

Therapy shouldn’t stop. For me, therapy was someone who could understand me and still correct me when I was wrong back then. But now therapy for me is learning, growing, evolving and staying loyal to myself. Maybe, one day all my dreams would have a tick mark beside them and I’ll be the happiest person in the world. But till the time I don’t achieve what I want the yearn and hunger will remain there. I don’t want to be a successful writer or a successful advocate but what I want is to be a happy writer and the best advocate. I still want love in my life on whom I could rely on but that doesn’t mean that I would stop myself from being who I am. I don’t want a soulmate, I want a therapist. Who knows my suffering in life and doesn’t back off when I make it more disgusting. Because I feel that I am a great person who has anger issues but is willing to be happy just for you. And if it’s you then should I start writing my fairytale or should I wait for your favourite moments too?

-Riya Shah

By Ray


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